I wrote and posted a rant in the heat of frustration that I’ve since taken down. I’ve had some time to regroup and cool off from the situation, and I’m in a very good place now. I’m seeing that all that’s happened has occurred for my highest good. I’m looking at my situation as part of the whole picture, and it is making a lot more sense from that vantage point.
Because I’ve had time to process, I do want to share a few things I’ve learned in the past couple days.
Narrow Mindedness is universal.
A small town is a small town is a small town.
I had a perception that ignorance only existed in the United States, because that was the only breed of it I was familiar with. But since living in a rural town here, and being an outsider, I realized that small-mindedness occurs everywhere.
I’ve never had the experience of being a minority, and after one month of it I have at least a fraction of an understanding of how much it sucks. It was hurtful in some ways, but annoying in others. When people are gawking at you all the time for just being who you were born, it gets old pretty fast. When you are stereotyped to the point of actually losing your job, it becomes more than just a small inconvenience.
I needed a taste of that. I came to Thailand thinking, “wherever I end up will be cool with me!”, but part of my journey since getting here has been figuring out who I am and what I actually want. What I actually want is a full experience, adventure, travel, new people, all of it. That also includes a job where I am appreciated for being a human, and not having a template of “white American” projected onto me.
Things that hurt in the past finally served their purpose.
Though the past few days have been hard, I had one of the most pivotal moments of my whole life, where I realized, “wow, I’ve grown so much.”
It involved me, sitting in front of someone who was verbally berating me, listing any quality imaginable to tear down, telling me things about myself that are so far from the truth, I couldn’t even twist them to fit in line with my self concept… and not reacting. Not breaking down. Not crying. Not trying to argue, because arguing would have been futile. And in this moment, I watched them lose all their power.
It wasn’t until later, when I was talking to the person who knows me best on the phone, and I said:
“A lot of people are really worried about me. I guess a lot of people would be in this situation and just be completely defeated. It actually feels like all the stuff I’ve gone through in the past has been worth it now.”
…and he was like, “yeah, you’re just realizing that?”
hardship is part of the experience.
It happens differently for different people, but hardship is inevitable when you are adjusting to a culture that is so vastly different than your own. Maybe part of me expected most of my difficulty to be internal, but what I’ve realized is that I’ve done a lot of internal work. I’m friends with myself. I am so grateful for that… I’ve had those battles of figuring out who I am and what I want, and now my challenges are coming from the outside. But the amount of peace I feel in dealing with them is new to me. The things that would have made me break down before are actually just opportunities for me to love myself more. Beyond that, they are opportunities for me to look at myself and acknowledge the transformation I’ve gone through.
Friends are Everywhere
The amount of support that I’ve received going through this hard situation has been out of this world, from both Westerners and Thai friends. Westerners are all in the same boat when it comes down to it. We’re all far away from home, but we have each other. If someone else is going through something hard, you can feel for them in your heart, because you put yourself in their shoes.
Just knowing I am surrounded by support has brought me to a much calmer place. Whether it was my friend picking me up after the most emotional day of my trip with a bottle of wine, and buying me Food Panda and just allowing me to vent, or my TESOL instructor (and friend) helping me with transportation, accommodation, and communication with the agency, or my Thai friend packing up her car with my luggage and bringing me to the bus stop… There are endless examples.
Though I’ve been through a lot of pain over the past few days, my faith in humanity remains strong. I have seen too much good since being in Thailand to write it off. I’m being given the opportunity for (yet another!) brand new start, just in time for the new year. This time I have a vision, I have new standards and new understandings.
Bring it on, 2020. I’m confident I can deal with anything.
Lunar Liv 