It’s New Year’s Day. This has been an intense week so far. I’ve once again had to uproot my life and try to figure out my next move in Hua Hin. There have been some very bright moments, moments of extreme calm and clarity. There has also been a lot of discomfort. Not knowing where I’m going to sleep every night (I’m lucky because I have friends here who are helping me with places to stay), trying to conserve money because I wasn’t given the paycheck I was owed and that felt like a blow to the stomach, living out of suitcases, trying to work out if I’m actually crazy for staying in Thailand. The placement coordinator even asked me why I decided to stay and not just go home.
I think it’s a valid question; I’m sure a lot of people who have gone through something similar decided to just scrap the whole idea of coming here to begin with… but I can’t do that. I need to be able to stick it out and fight for what I’m passionate about.
In the spirit of the New Year, it is hereby my resolution to stop accepting the limitations of others. I know very well what I’m capable of.
I saw it when I was at one of the hostels alone the other night, and I ventured up to the rooftop bar, sat on a swing, and just zenned out. Not a care in the world. All these things around me seemed to be crashing down, but I could still access a place of stillness within me. I saw it when I was on the beach for NYE last night, watching people release lanterns into the sky and dance and gaze at the fireworks, maintaining the understanding that no matter what happens, this is really cool. This is going to change me; it has changed me.
I resolve to be kinder to myself and slow down when I need to. There are moments when it is necessary to lug everything I own across a crowded bus station in the sweltering heat, and there are times to lounge in the AC and watch Rick & Morty and just forget the world for a while. What I mean to say is that I don’t need to be constantly putting myself in discomfort just because I’ve proven I can handle it.
I also need to remember that I’m supported. It’s easy to recall that when things are going really well, but when there’s a bump in the road sometimes all of that spiritual ground becomes shaky. When I can let go and just put everything in the hands of the universe, things always work out. Turns out I started writing this blog post to reassure myself, and there’s loads of truth in it, so now I actually feel reassured.
In other news, today my friend took me to an abandoned factory on his motorbike that was covered in graffiti.
I’m happy to be in Hua Hin now. It feels familiar, there’s lots to do, it’s by the beach, I’m seeing all the little hidden gems AND I’m connecting with new and old friends. It’s been good, and definitely a much better energy here than in Sukhothai (at least in terms of a match for me.)
I should know where I’ll be by the end of this week (I 90% know, but I have this thing about premature sharing), and will hopefully be moving to placement by the weekend. Will definitely keep everyone updated. If you were someone whose supported me during this time, know you’ve made a world of difference. xo and Happy New Year!
Lunar Liv 