The main discovery I’ve made over the past few weeks, is that every day things get easier in some way. It might just be small, incremental shifts, but those are guaranteed to add up. My first week in Sukhothai was by far the hardest of my trip. It is jarring to go from a month-long party with amazing new friends that you automatically bond with, to feeling isolated in brand new territory where people don’t speak your language.
It requires a certain amount of determination and discipline to come back to yourself amidst all the massive cultural changes, but this is discipline I’m beginning to uncover. I’ve gotten into a routine which I didn’t have the motivation for back home. It involves exercising (I found a running route and have decided to train for a 9K), reading a ton, drawing (mostly at school with the kids, because most of the time I’m not sure what on earth I’m supposed to be doing), and finding healthy food…among other things. For a little while, I was feeling defeated by the lack of options in terms of healthy food around me (seems like everything is fried and it is near impossible to avoid meat). My provided school lunches sometimes consist of congealed blood and chicken feet, not to mention are often loaded with sugar. But I also realized that eating healthy and exercising helps me feel like my best self and I’m able to operate from a higher space that way.
To be totally honest, I started writing this post this morning, and since then I think I’ve had the hardest day I’ve had since touching down in Thailand. All the stuff I wrote is still true. And though I can’t go into details about my day, as it involves my work situation, I can say this:
While it’s been the hardest day, it’s also the day that I’ve felt the most divine in the end. And that is basically a summary of what I’ve learned in 2019, but especially since moving to Thailand. Every situation is trying to tell me something. The situation I am currently in is one that has been in my life before, over and over again. But back then I didn’t fully grasp the scope of it. I didn’t understand why I was attracting this experience into my field of being. But now I do. After today, after being totally broken down to nothing, I can finally begin to rebuild from a place of understanding.
My biggest mistake in the past has been asking, externally, why is this happening to me? But now, I know it deep in my gut. I understand it, because I have become the source that I rely on for answers; only me. Nothing can tell me otherwise the things I know with my intuition.
Maybe I won’t elaborate anymore, it won’t make sense without the full context. I was originally going to write about my amazing time in Chiang Mai this weekend, but I will save that for another post. After all, I am visiting again for New Years (it’s a truly awesome place).
I just want to be as authentic as possible. That’s my thing. It’s gotten me into so much trouble in the past, and yet I persist with it. Partially, that’s why I have this blog. To bear my soul, to not hold things back, to share the ways I feel pain and integrate it into something beautiful, constantly. I’m proud of that, you know?
It is something that will never be taken from me.
Talk soon.
Lunar Liv 